People read?

I’m seriously going to try to start updating this thing regularly now.  Seriously.

Since joining TGWTG, I’ve flirted several times with doing something with Twilight, even going so far as to film one after I saw the movie.  Two of them I flaked out on because either I had too much to do, or I was too shy to confront Twilight fans in their own environment (believe it or not, I’m actually quite shy.)  But I still have yet to create any venemous, Twilight-related opus.  I can’t help but feel like I missed some opportunity after that first attrocity of a film, directed by a woman, starring a woman, and adapted from a novel written by a woman, for a primarily female audience, made so goddamn much money.

But I find myself equally fascinated, if not more so, by Meyer’s first “adult” novel (as in, marketed towards adults), The Host. Why does this one not get any credit for being equally awful?

So while Twilight is a painful, unoriginal book about vampires in which the main characters spend roughly five hundred pages brooding about each other (when the female is falling down/being rescued, of course), The Host is about alien invaders that takeover human bodies, and one in particular that kind of starts to empathize with the humans and their wacky human emotions. Basically it’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers from the point of view of one of the body snatchers. Sounds kind of cool, right? I won’t say I was disappointed, coming in with a severe bias by looking for the things that so offend me about Twilight.  Female main character with a martyr complex? Check.  Violent and possesive male love interests? Check.  Weird villification of all other female characters besides the main (and the voice in her head)?  Double check.  And what is this ultimately, that thing that SciFi had better have a damn good reason to ever be?  A romance novel. Gee.

This one’s especially curious to me, as, though it is in no way stylistically different from Twilight, right down to the God-awful first person female narration replete with fawning over hot boys with dull names, it is billed as “adult” fiction.  But even if she does have all this clout now, does she really have no editor? Does no one tell her these things what they teach you in Writing 101, things like, “Adverbs and adjectives aren’t your friends. Really! They’re not!” and “Sentence variety can be fun!” and “SHOW DON’T TELL” and “I’m serious about those adjectives/adverbs. Really, you think you need them, you probably don’t.”   Meyer has all of the amateurish mistakes of a middling fanfiction writer; how to her editors let this slide?

So, a while ago, to make myself feel better, I took a red pen to the first few pages of The Host. Maybe it will make any other aspiring writers out there feel better, too.host11

host2host3host4I feel better now.  Just a little.

  • Luvian

    Interesting! I hope you start posting more often, it’s been almost a month already.

  • It’s a shame her millions of dollars will cushion any blow you may have dealt to her. .

    Isn’t it frustrating when it seems these days, the formula for success is mediocrity? The reason these huge publishers and film studios are so turned off by originality is because they don’t care about furthering an art form. They want to shovel out trite garbage for the masses because it’s what works.

    This editing you did is pretty funny, I would read these if you made it into a regular thing. However, people don’t read so it probably won’t take off like NChick did or anything but it’s a thought.

  • Luvian

    That’s true John. But there’s a niche for more literary blogs. The Nostalgia Chick is entertaining but I find it interesting to see what the real Lindsey thinks outside of the character.

    I’m sure this can take off assuming Lindsay updates often enough to keep the readers from wandering off.

    That’s the hard part I know. I’d show you my blog but I can’t be bothered to post anything, myself. 😉

    So go go Lindsay! Your two fans are waiting for more. 🙂

    • Coffee Rocket

      Make that three fans. *grins*

  • Heidi

    Check this out, Lindsay:

    Might help you gather material to properly rip Twilight. I know I’d love to see you do it.

  • You lied. There hasn’t been an update for over a month. I would like to read more, your posts (both of them) are pretty interesting. “The Day The Cinema Fell Asleep” was god awful, It’s one of the most useless movies I have ever watched. Bad acting, boring plot and insultingly childish message – “Don’t litter or you’re FUCKED”.

    Of course Twilight isn’t better. At least in “The Day…” the plot was boring, but in Twilight there was NO plot. Seriously. For 3/4 of the movie a girl is inexplicably falling in love with a guy that has a forehead the size of a tank, and then Meyer (author of the book) basically goes “SHIT, nothing is happening!” and quickly creates a stupid problem that our heroes have to overcome.

    The only thing that was good about this movie was a Radiohead song playing during the end credits.

    “The Host” looks like it’s equally awful, if not worse than Twilight.

    Post some more, god damnit.

  • This makes me very happy. It bothers me very deeply how successful and accepted Stephanie Meyer is, despite the weak, offensive plots and geninely poor writing quality of her work. I just finished ‘Twilight’ and noticed that she incorrectly used the word ‘literally’ twice.

    I would love to take a red pen to it, as you did to her latest here. Very, very funny stuff.

  • Seth

    If Bob Heinlein couldn’t make that plot work, I don’t know why she thinks she can. Nice editing job, btw.

  • If it wasn’t enough for you to kick ass as the Nostalgia Chick, you have to take on the moist ball of half-dried phlemgn that is Twilight just as brilliantly.

    Oh, if only you had been Meyer’s editor.

  • Wow… I like what you did with the red pen on the page there, but it would clearly be too much work to do it on the whole book, it would drive you crazy, I’m sure. Maybe it was by some accident that these books were published as they are, maybe the editor’s work was somehow lost, and it turned out to be successful so they decided not to use editors for her next books. Really, you are right, I can’t believe an editor worked on this at all.
    “Fords gave Darren a look that could only be described as a glare” is so pathetic, it’s seriously shocking to see that in a published book. Maybe I would have written that when I was like 14…
    It’s a shame, because even if I wanted to read Twilight just to see what it is all about, maybe I wouldn’t be able to. Amazing that such a successful book series is so poorly written you just can’t read it.

  • I took a red pen to Twilight. I only did this with the first book. I doubt I could handle all four without part of my brain exploding; thus resulting in a loss of some precious childhood memories. I don’t understand how these books gain such critical acclaim when that basic axiom of good narrative is ignored.


    I mean, come on.

    I learned that in fifth grade.

    The Host was just as painful. I don’t know why I expected an “adult” novel to be anything different from Twilight when she already has this strange fanbase of older women.

    Since when did lusting after a teen become okay for women and still a felony for me?

    Oh! By the way? Hello! Sorry for the drive-by commenting. I just found your blog and was delighted to see someone else tried to “edit” a Stephenie Meyer book. If you can call it a book. Let’s just be honest and call it all what it really is: self-insertion fanfiction.

  • Coffee Rocket

    The sad thing is, the annotations are much more engaging than the book itself. At least Twilight was laughably bad.

  • comradeDa

    Reading through your blog at the moment, and I highly doubt this comment will ever be read, but anyway.

    Stephenie Meyer writes like a highschool student who enjoys padding out her stories to meet some arbitrary word limit.

  • Liz

    I’m stalking your blog right now, and I really enjoy these comments. I have a dark secret: I used to read Twilight. I loved it so much. When I was twelve.
    I’m much older now, and I’ve realized how . . . not admirable the series is. I’ve stopped trying to emulate her style, and hopefully this will help me grow as a writer. Your hilarious editing is more fascinating to read than Stephenie Meyer’s purple prose. Awesomeness.

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