Warning: the following is an analogy:
In sound recording, both softwares and hardwares, there is a device called a limiter which compresses sound that goes over a certain frequency and volume. It distorts the quality of the sound a bit but also makes sure it doesn’t peak. I think the human brain has something similar in regard to one’s own ability to understand their own scope; how else could celebrities function? Known and adored by millions? There is something you just kinda have to tune out about ideas like that; even when I first got a facebook group with some 200 photos of screencaps in it, carefully and lovingly selected. My friends took on the emotional burden of being freaked out; I just ignored it.
I am amazed at the response of support in the last few days for financial help to get our film out to festivals; what it was like is a different blog post altogether, but the fact that so many people displayed their generosity, both here and before I was filming, kinda puts my brain-limiter to the maximum to the point where my brain shorts out and starts looking at shiney fun things, like puppy, or Hyperbole and a Half. There is something in my deeply insecure brain that tells me, “the work I do online does not warrant this show of support. I do not deserve this.” Granted, I was very good at getting DVDs out in a timely fashion (albeit I did run out of covers for some, so some were just DVD-in-envelope which I found out after the fact might break in transit… sheeeyit) but when I have to print out shipping labels and see the reach I have, even for my extremely modest little Internet cewebrity, it is a bit overwhelming, just a touch. Today I mailed to Austrailia, Japan, Singapore, Germany, the Netherlands, the UK and all over the US, just to name a few. Despite the creation of the Facebook Page a few weeks ago I still have almost 700 un-responded-to friend requests, by this point out of sheer laziness and a little bit of guilt. I think that little bit of guilt is what tinges everything I do when something positive or supportive comes my way as a result of my presence on the Internet; this little voice that says “I do not warrant this.”
In the negativity, the opposite is true. I stopped reading the comments on the TGWTG site a long time ago because of the negativity. Idiot boys making comments on my appearance is one thing, but when people passionately pronounce their disdain for me; I don’t understand that either. I never meant to invoke passion in people, not by way of Internet review, anyway. I don’t understand why it would come up; it’s just a little review of The Fifth Element, or My Little Pony, or whatever, for fucks sake. Mild disinterest or dislike, sure, but passionate hatred? I feel like I’m failing a little bit if that continues to be the case with some viewers. I’ve tried very hard to distance myself from the stylings of some of my colleagues, who seem to get off on the passion they invoke in others, hatred, support, or otherwise.
Dislike or disinterest is one thing; I’d say hatred makes up a small minority, as does obsessive stalker (which, let’s face it, I’d be even more uncomfortable with). The majority of what I’ve seen is pleasant, sane, good-natured, level-headed and supportive. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that, even though I asked for it, I’m still a bit shocked at the support I’ve gotten and the interest in the film, especially given the uncomfortable nature of the film that I made, but I’m not ungrateful. One of the biggest hurdles I still have is learning to accept compliments and support when they’re given to me.
If I mailed you a DVD, I hope I don’t disappoint you; I had a very talented crew working for me. If you want one, check out this entry. If you do have one, feel free to show it to your friends, family, organizations that might be interested, but DO NOT post it online, as not only is that a copyright violation, it could screw over our chances of getting into the higher-up festivals. But using footage for fair use purposes i.e. criticism is obviously fine, as is writing up reviews (in fact, please do!) I’m trying to be better about interacting with people I meet through the Internet and responding to them in kind; it’s all been a process of upping the threshold on that limiter.
But to anyone who has shown support for this, thank you.